i dont just take naps i accidentally hibernate
It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” into your car’s side mirror three times and watch her jog and try to keep up.
Being a dick even to demons
my mum just shouted “yolo!!” from the kitchen and i heard plates smash
yesterday i went to buy something and the store owner looked up and said something to me in chinese and i was so surprised i just said “what” in english and then we stared at each for a full ten seconds like what the fuck we are in spain
do i have cramps or has my appendix exploded
does my boob hurt or am i having a heart attack
am i on my period or do i have internal bleeding
these are our struggles
Thinking of dirty thoughts and getting an erection in awkward situations
The struggles of a man
thinking of my naked grandma isnt going to suck the blood back into my vagina
you need an award right now
today at work a little girl and her dad came through my line and she picked up two things of altoids and she was like “daddy let’s get the same flavor! so when you’re in afghanistan i can eat mine and you can eat yours and we can be together!” and me and my cashier just stood there like DON’T CRY DON’T FUCKING CRY DON’T BE A BABY AND FUCKING CRY
and then they left and we fucking wailed like children
i think i accidentally ate some of my grandma’s ashes that were on her bed
MY GRANDMA SMOKES I MEANT CIGARETTE ASHES
In France, they say “mdr” instead of “lol” and that roughly translates to “death by laughter” so basically instead of laughing really loudly like we do, the French laugh so hard that they die.
French slang is freaking metal.
DEATH BY OHONHONHON
…We use both.
maybe i can watch this hour long episode in ten minutes
She warned him.
i think it’s cute when someone admits they have a crush on you
i think it’s a fucking miracle